What is co-dependency – how should it be addressed?

Co-dependency is generally when your mood, happiness and identity is defined by how another person is feeling.

Co-dependency is a very painful condition which is stressful. People with co dependency experience feelings of shame and have low self-worth. They are often anxious and fear being judged, rejected or abandoned. They are afraid of making mistakes and being a failure. It can lead to unhealthy use of alcohol or drugs and ultimately addictions.

Unhealthy Relationships

Co-dependency is most often experienced in a relationship and can affect just one or both people. If two people become so invested in and reliant on each other that they cannot function independently anymore then they are co-dependent. However co-dependent relationships are not normally ‘equal’. Usually one of the partners is more passive and is unable to make any decisions for themselves. The other is more dominant and gets some pleasure and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about what they will do and how they will live. In co dependent relationships there tends to be a lot of jealousy and possessiveness. Co dependent people tend to experience a lot of mood swings. In a co dependent relationship there is also a risk that one of the partners will take advantage of the other financially as well as emotionally.

People in co-dependent relationships are also likely to be enabling. This tends to be to smooth over any problems in the relationship, especially those caused by the co dependent traits in the other partner. Co dependents tend to ignore problems, accept excuses, bail their partners out, give their partners chance after chance, try and rescue their partner, and fix the problem. Co-dependent relationships are rarely fulfilling. They can often involve one partner making extreme sacrifices to please the other.

Signs of co dependency include:

Finding it hard to make decisions in a relationship

You may find it hard to communicate and express yourself in a relationship

Finding it hard to identify your feelings

Having an excessive need for approval

Feeling responsible for the actions of others

Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself

Having low self-worth and not trusting your own judgement

Worrying about your partner ending the relationship 

Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even when this is not in your best interest

Seek help for co-dependency

Of course all relationships have some give and take and this does not make them co dependent. However, if you feel you are co dependent and wish to change this, then there is help available. Counselling can help you to rebuild your sense of self and explore why you rely so much on your partner. You could also consider couples counselling to help your relationship to grow in a more healthy direction. You should also engage in outside interests apart from your partner, and spend more time with other family and friends. Meet new friends. 

Anyone is vulnerable

Anyone can become co dependent. Some research suggests that people who have parents who emotionally abused or neglected them are more likely to become co dependent themselves. 

Reach out

At its most extreme, co dependency can lead to people feeling so desperate and wretched that they feel suicidal. However it does not have to be this bad to cause major problems in your life. If you want to do something about it, The Haynes Clinic can help. As a 12 Step Treatment centre offering CBT and intensive therapy, we will also introduce you to Co Dependents Anonymous, a 12 Step fellowship group based on the principles of AA.  

Find out more about our treatment options.