Losing Control of my Drinking
What came first? Drinking too much so that my life fell apart? Or my life falling apart and then I drank too much? The truth is probably that both these things happened. My heavy drinking was at least part responsible for my relationship with my husband breaking down irretrievably. And once he had left me my drinking truly escalated. Before he left I used to have certain rules I followed – no drinking before midday, no more than a specified amount of alcohol at lunchtime and no more than a specified amount in the evening if I was at home. This was a high limit but it was a limit I could function with.
It probably summed up to around 2 bottles of wine a day and I could just about function at that level and I did for years. But when my husband decided he had to leave, I was inwardly destroyed. Outwardly I carried on and put a brave and smiling face on. The cost of this bravado was eventually high as I lost control of my drinking.
Physically Sick, Stressed and Shaky in the Mornings
I found that in the mornings I would get up in order to get my children off to school and to meet my commitments for the day but this was very hard. I began to feel physically sick, stressed and shaky every morning. Whether from the stress or the previous day’s alcohol consumption, I do not know. Though I am sure it had some part to play. All I know is that I quickly discovered that if I broke my golden rule of no alcohol before noon and had a gin and tonic (nice and clear in the glass so that it could pass as fizzy water – and also strong enough to give me a big kick), then I felt physically better and the tremors would go so I could sign cheques and school letters without them looking as if a spider had walked across the page.
However, having had this early gin and tonic, it was then very difficult to last till noon till I got my next alcohol fix. So I would carry alcohol in my briefcase. Either ready to drink in a plastic bottle or just the bottles themselves so I could top up whenever needed. I would buy drink on the way to work and sometimes have a drink in the car before going in to the office. I would drink in my office. My seniority meant I was one of the few with an office. I could shut the door and pretend to make confidential phone calls when really all I was doing was having a quick drink.
No Motivation to Work
Some days my motivation to work was very low. I still had a big commitment to my work and would make up the time by working late into the evening. Glass by my side at my computer at home. When my drinking was under control I admit I did try and organise my day so that a drink could be accommodated. Meetings in central London after lunch so I could legitimately go to a pub first for a (liquid) lunch. Now though the drink was totally in control of me. My work had to fit around my drinking rather than my drinking round my work.
Appetite and Sleeping Affected by drinking
Other areas of my life began to suffer too. My appetite went and I found it very difficult to eat a good meal. I had to force myself to eat to keep my strength and if I had to go out for a meal this was a massive ordeal to be got through. I would pick at my food and just hope it would be a meal with people who wanted a drink with their lunch, and that they would not notice my poor appetite. My sleeping was also seriously affected.
I could go to sleep all right – I would drink to the point of passing out. But I would wake up every night at around 4am – without fail – and at this point my head would whir around and I could not possibly get back to sleep unless I had another drink. And this is all about how I was affected. I tried to put a brave face on it but I know this must all have affected my four children too. I was never aggressive with them and tried hard to carry on being a good mother. They must have seen me struggling.
Panic Attacks
Another symptom I found it increasingly hard to ignore was the panic attacks I started to have. I became nervous about driving especially on motorways. In hindsight I think it was because I would not drink if I was going to drive. The panic attacks were due to withdrawal. The final straw was when I drank myself unconscious one Friday evening. My husband was out with the children and came back to me ‘asleep’ in the sitting room. I could not be woken, an ambulance was called and off I went to hospital. My drinking was out of control.
The Last Years of Drinking was so Painful
The game was up. It was still going to be another 3 years before I finally gave up drinking and got the help I really needed. In those 3 years I put myself and the people I loved through much that was really not necessary. A lot of pain could have been avoided if I had just thrown in the towel at that point….
