Recovery is about discovery

Recovery is about discovery – discovery about yourself. If you go into treatment then you will learn a lot about yourself in a very short time. That is one of the reasons why people who go into treatment have a greater chance of getting a firm recovery than those who don’t. They learn a lot about their illness and why they as a personality with their experience of life have succumbed to it.

So we learn a lot about ourselves. We learn what makes us tick, what our character defects are, and what we need to do to stop these old attitudes and behaviours blighting our new found sober lives.

Expectations

Addicts and alcoholics are often perfectionists, who want to control the people, places and things around them and who have high expectations. If these expectations are not met, we feel hurt and disappointed and then we get resentful. What we have to learn in recovery is that we cannot control other people. The only person we can truly control in terms of thoughts and behaviours is ourselves.

Control

You can spot people who are trying to control you by phrases such as ‘if I were you, I would……’ (this is a phrase oft used by my mother. If ever I catch myself tempted to say it, I put a metaphorical sock in my mouth. When my mother says it, I gently point out ‘but you are not me, mum.’). Controlling people might use a guilt card to make you do something or they can be manipulative.

I have always had high expectations of other people, but recovery is about discovery. The first time I realised this was when someone who worked in my team wrote in her appraisal that she knew I had high expectations. She thought she could meet them and this was good for her as it made her strive to achieve her best. That was true. She was an excellent worker and very capable and went on to achieve good things in her career. However, it is true that I quickly became disappointed in less capable employees.

We can also have high expectations of an occasion like a holiday, family event or occasion such as Christmas. My children have just gone on a holiday of a lifetime with their dad to Canada, skiing. It sounds as if they are having a fantastic time and getting on really well together. However, it is much more important that they all got on well together. I know their dad spent sometime at the beginning of the holiday with his glass half empty due to the weather. Similarly with occasions such as Christmas, there can be such a big build up and expectations for a perfect day, and many people end up disappointed. It is only a day!

Resentments

Be careful not to have too high expectations as this will lead to disappointment and even resentment – and resentment can be dangerous for our recovery….

If you have an alcohol or drug related problem, please call 01462 851414 for free confidential advice and help.