Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Step 9 is an action step and perhaps in some ways one of the hardest. We have to make amends to everyone on the list that we have put together in step 8. The list should be thorough without us leaving people off that we don’t feel like dealing with or who we are afraid to meet again or never want to meet again. The important thing to remember is that we are doing this for our benefit and to make us feel better. Not for the benefit of the person to whom we are making the amends – though it may well be that they too will feel better for it.
Some apologies will be harder than others
It may be that some of the people on our list will be our ‘enemies’. It may be the case quite genuinely that they have done us more harm than we have done to them. Nonetheless we still need to take action to make amends. We need to go to them in the right frame of mind. Feeling forgiveness in our heart and wanting to set the wrong right. We will need to say to him or her that we are sorry for what we did or said. And without getting into a debate or argument about the rights or wrongs on either side.
We do not look at the other person’s role or fault or apportion any blame there. This is just about our part and our responsibility. If necessary, we explain that we want to put any wrongs or harm we have done right. We want to be able to live our lives in a positive way in the future. And remain calm and open.
Importance of getting it right regardless of the expected outcome
Most often we will be pleasantly surprised by the reaction and we will find that the other party may want to say something to us owning their part. Years or months of bad feeling can disappear on both sides in a truly amazing way. Sometimes we will get no reaction at all and sometimes our apology will not be accepted. Even if this is the case and we are disappointed at the reaction we get, we should still be pleased with our progress in that we have done all we can to put things right.
Amends are not limited to an apology
We may owe money – in which case, making our amends will involve an offer to pay it back in a reasonable way / to a realistic timescale. Or we may have committed a criminal offence – we should not shirk from owning this and facing up to it. We need to think through the consequences so that we will not be damaging others by what we do but we should not be afraid to face the consequences for our own part.
What about making amends to our partner to whom we have been unfaithful? Should we tell them, knowing that it will hurt them? Conventional wisdom is that we should, promising (and meaning it) that this is in the past. We should not feel obliged to give details or to reveal the name of the other party as that could cause them difficulty.
Steps to take if the person is impossible to reach
In some cases we may not be able to make amends in person – or we may have to wait. In some cases it may be too late – if the individual has died, for example, a visit to the grave to place flowers, may be appropriate. We should not delay through fear – only if we have a valid reason!
Being sober without taking action is not going to help us to stay sober. So it is important to work hard on Step 9 until it is done.
See the overview of the complete 12 step rehabilitation programme
Contact us to find out more about the Twelve Step Programme.