I do not know who devised the following parody of the twelve steps programme but I think it is witty and funny (but also sadly true). So with apologies for not being able to attribute it, here it is the twelve step to recovery.
1. We admitted we were powerless over nothing, that we could manage our lives perfectly and we could mange those of anyone else who would allow it.
(Lots of us alcoholics are very strong willed controlling people. We think we can sort out our own lives without help and we try and control others, too).
2. Came to believe that there was no power greater than ourselves and the rest of the world was insane
(We will look at anyone other than ourselves, say black is white and try and make others feel that they are in the wrong, never us).
3. Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their will and their lives over to our care.
(Again, we will not accept help but would rather think of ourselves as indispensable to others).
4. Made a searchless and fearless moral inventory of everyone we knew.
(Again let’s look at and find fault with others, not ourselves).
5. Admitted to the whole world at large the exact nature of their wrongs.
(Ditto)
6. Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right
(Again let us not look at ourselves….)
7. Demanded others to either ‘shape up or ship out’
(… and let’s expect others to change, not us)
8. Made a list of anyone who had ever harmed us and became willing to go to any lengths to get even with them all.
(We are full of resentments about who has done us wrong. We drink on these, fuelling our anger and the bitterness we feel inside – but also to dull our pain).
9. Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible except when to do so would cost us our own lives or, at the very least, a jail sentence.
(We like to get even with those who we think have harmed us).
10. Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong, promptly and repeatedly told them about it.
(We can be know it alls…)
11. Sought through nagging to improve our relations with others, as we couldn’t understand them at all, asking only that they knuckle under and do things our way.
(And controlling ones at that…)
12. Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs.
(These attitudes will tend to eventually lead to us breaking down and reaching our rock bottom. We will have low self esteem and have a whole list of people and experiences to blame for what we have become. Now it is time for the hard work – for us to get help with our alcoholism, to admit our powerlessness and our part in what we have become and to start to live a much happier and honest life, based on abstinence and the real twelve step programme).
Learn more of the Haynes Clinic’s application of the 12 step programme in addiction rehabilitation
If you have an alcohol or drug related problem and want to get on the twelve steps to recovery. Please call 01462 851414 for free and confidential advice and help.
