What is co dependency? If your mood, happiness, and identity is defined by another person, then you could be in a co dependent relationship. This tends to be when you are dependent on the other person to the extent that you cannot function independently. You need to be needed by. And to make sacrifices for your partner in order to feel fulfilled. One of you in the relationship will tend to be more passive. Who cannot make decisions without consulting the other. And the other will be more dominant and controlling. He or she will get satisfaction out of making all the decisions. Such as where and how you both will live, and by getting his or her every need met by their partner.
Different types of co dependency
Co dependent relationships can also exist between friends and family members. They do not have to be ‘romantic’ relationships. Although not always the case, co dependent people tend to develop unhealthy relationships. Which can be emotionally harmful. Most people will not realise that they are in a co dependent relationship. Even the more dominant partner may be controlling and manipulating the other subconsciously. The more submissive partner will enable the other. Making excuses for their behaviour, bailing them out e.g. financially, coming to their rescue, trying to fix the problem etc.
Signs of co dependency
So what are the signs of a co dependent relationship? Do you
- Have difficulty making decisions in your relationship?
- Take responsibility for the actions and behaviour of your partner?
- Always put your partner’s feelings before your own?
- Lack trust in your own judgement?
- Have low self worth and think your partner is more important than you?
- Fear that your partner will leave you?
- Crave your partner’s approval all the time?
- Need to be in a relationship?
- Find it difficult to identify what you want/ your own feelings?
- Have difficulty expressing yourself in the relationship?
Healthy relationships and co dependency
Of course, it is normal to have give and take in a relationship. And to value one another’s opinions. But there is a line between a healthy relationship and one that is emotionally destructive. In a dependent healthy relationship, your partner is a priority. But you have outside interests. In a co dependent relationship, the individual has no identity, interest or values outside the relationship. In a dependent relationship, both partners express their feelings and take account of the other’s feelings. But in a co dependent relationship one of the two may not recognise their own needs. Or, if they do, they will consider them unimportant in relation to the other.
Co dependency can be treated through counselling. In which you rebuild your self esteem. And identify why you rely on your partner so much. You will learn how to set personal boundaries. Couples counselling may also help. You will also be advised to reconnect with your family and old friends. Make time just for yourself to do the things that you personally enjoy.
Help is available
There is a support group for people with co dependency. It runs along the same lines as the groups held for people with addictions. Such as Alcoholics Anonymous. It is called Co Dependents Anonymous or CODA for short. This is because co dependency can be treated as a form of addiction. And indeed often co exists alongside other addictions.