Sex addiction is different and separate from love addiction
Sex and Love addiction are often grouped together as they share similar characteristics but they are distinctly separate disorders. They are generally widely misunderstood types of obsessive and compulsive behaviours to the point where they begin to take control of all aspects of daily life.
The major difference between love and sex addiction is the source of the obsessions and compulsions. The source of love addiction stems from “romantic love” centred on one person whereas the source of sex addiction centres on fantasies, including online porn and potentially multiple individuals. A recent study concluded that 20% of people with either a love or sex addiction will also have the tendency to have an eating disorder, gambling addiction, obsessive exercise issue, shopping addiction or alcohol addiction.
Love addiction
People suffering from love addiction are mentally centred overwhelmingly on the need to feel loved. This will have a detrimental effect on them and also on their partners that love and care for them. There are two ways that they will predominantly behave: firstly they will go to extraordinary lengths to seek love; secondly they will go to extreme lengths to please their partner even if it means that their behaviour is compromising their own needs or wellbeing. Their behaviour ends up pushing a partner away and, over time, love addiction can lead an individual to be unable to find a balance or to maintain a healthy relationship for any reasonable period of time.
Like any other addiction the problem is based on a mental state. In this case the problem is usually centred on the individual’s mind set that, together with their low self esteem, makes them believe they are worthless if they are not in a loving relationship. Their overpowering behaviour towards their partner can commonly lead to verbal or aggressive behaviour which the person with love addiction will learn to tolerate as it is considered preferable to being on their own. Many people with love addiction do not realise they have an illness for which there is treatment.
Sex addiction
Sex addiction is classified as having uncontrollable sexual thoughts which usually lead to sexual actions. The mental process occupies an inordinate amount of the day to the detriment of living a normal life. Following the sexual behaviour there will be feelings of guilt, shame, anger and remorse but the individual will be compelled to persist in repeating the addictive thinking and destructive and sometimes deviant behaviour. There is also some evidence that those with a higher level of sex hormones or testosterone may also feel compelled to engage in excessive sexual activity as all they can think about is sex and seeking sexual gratification.
Symptoms of sex addiction can include
- Being unable to get intimate with real life partner as they do not act out any fantasies and do not induce the same pleasurable sensations
- Continually fantasising about sex
- Experiencing more extreme forms of sex in order to get the same pleasurable feeling
- Paying for sex to live out and act out fantasies with a paid partner
- Excessive viewing of porn on the internet
- Continuing to engage in excessive sexual activity even if it is beginning to cause problems in life areas such as work, relationships with family, friends and loved ones and social activities.
- Getting a sexuality transmitted disease.
- Trying to stop or restrict using the internet or having sex with multiple partners but finding it impossible to maintain
Symptoms of love addiction can include
- Becoming very jealous or possessive of your partner
- Trying to keep your partner to yourself and choosing to isolate away from friends when socialising
- Only feeling happy when at the start of a new relationship and the need to be in a relationship, whatever the consequences, as unable to manage life by being on one’s own.
- Moving quickly from one relationship to the next as always looking for a more loving fulfilling relationship
- Becoming obsessed or reliant on a partner. The smothering attitude towards the partner will often lead to the end of the relationship
- Accepting verbal and physically abusive behaviour as it is better than to not be in the relationship.
Individuals who have suffered from previous bad relationships may feel unworthy or obsessed with the idea of feeling in love. They then might go from one relationship to another in search of love and to feel loved. They might stay in an unloving relationship, feeling that is all they deserve, or being frightened that they might not find another partner. By carrying the baggage from the initial relationship, they will find it difficult to form a healthy relationship with others.
Causes of sex and love addiction
The cause of a love or sex addiction will depend on different factors but individuals who have suffered traumatic incidents or a traumatic event in their childhood are more likely to develop an addiction to sex or love. Growing up in a certain environment that may not be loving or caring can be the stimulus for unhealthy attachments in later life.
Sex addiction can be unfairly stigmatised
Some people may be afraid to admit that they have a sex and love addiction knowing that people can mistakenly think that such an addiction means that the person is unsafe to be around. That is not the case. People with this addiction are no more threatening to the opposite sex than people without it. They are often sad and lonely.
Getting help to get well
People with this addiction need to take responsibility for their actions and not use the addiction as an excuse. It is perfectly normal to pursue love and sex in a fulfilling relationship. However, if our behaviour and thinking cause distress and impact our and our partner’s life areas such that there are problems, then we need to seek help.
We may delay seeking help due primarily to our feelings of guilt and shame. We may be unwilling to share with others that our behaviour is escalating in a manner that we are unable to control. However, recognising the symptoms and taking a “leap of faith” in sharing what is happening in our life with a professional is the first step we need to take in the process of getting well. We need to accept that we have a problem and also recognise that we can do something about it, with the help of others. With help we can regain a healthy lifestyle.