How the family can help someone they love while they are in alcohol and drug treatment
Danny Dyer was recently on Desert Island Discs on BBC Radio 4. He explained that he was in a drug and alcohol rehab clinic in 2016 and had ‘had enough’ and was ‘going to go’. He then had a letter from his daughter, Dani, read out to him which made him reflect on the pain that he had caused his family and commit to staying in treatment.
Family information can save the addict’s life
This is just one example of how the family can help a loved one who is in rehab. In fact it does not just help – it can be vital input as demonstrated by Danny Dyer’s testimony. We have often seen the family information make all the difference in term of getting someone to stay and get real about their addiction. Indeed, I would go so far as to say that it has directly contributed to saving the life of a loved one.
Family Questionnaires at The Haynes Clinic
At The Haynes Clinic we help family members to give their input to a loved one’s treatment by sending out a questionnaire for them to complete. This helps the family member to structure and direct their thoughts. We get permission from the individual in treatment to send the questionnaire out and everyone is made aware of how it can be used.
The questionnaire covers:
Amount / nature of drinking / usage
Impact on family; work; social life; the person completing the questionnaire.
How the individual has changed as a result of their addiction; their behaviour when under the influence (including any aggression / violence).
The importance of providing a detailed and honest family questionnaire
It is very important that these questionnaires are completed as honestly and in as much detail as possible because they are such a vital tool. Some people are almost afraid to complete them fully and honestly in case they upset the person in treatment. We would advise them not to deprive the individual of the opportunity to hear the truth. While they are with us, we can help them to face this truth and come to terms with it – to realise that it is this truth which demonstrates why they must change.
When the questionnaires are received by the counselling team, the first thing that they do is look at the information and see if it matches what we have been told by the individual. Sometimes, the information is disappointingly thin (one word / sentence answers) and so cannot really help us. Sometimes it is full and complete but adds nothing to what the person in treatment has told us themselves. There has been no denial in them, they are ready to admit the full state and consequences of their addiction and have confessed to all in advance of the family sending information in. This is reassuring for everyone and it can still have been a therapeutic exercise for the family member – to have written down what they feel and have experienced – effectively to have had an opportunity to emotionally offload. However, more often than not, the family information provides more detail and colour as to the extent and impact of the addiction and this is where it really comes into its own.
Examples
The individual tells us they only drink a bottle of wine a day. The family tell us that they drink considerably more and send in pictures of a week’s worth of empties which demonstrate that this is not so.
The individual tells us that their children are not affected. The partner tells us that the children are fully aware of the problem, ask why mummy is always asleep / daddy is always angry / are frightened of them, for example.
The individual tells us that they are never violent. The partner tells us that while they are not physically violent towards them, they throw objects, smash things and they are afraid of them.
The effect of the family questionnaires
There is a risk in sharing these questionnaires in that sometimes the individual in treatment will hear the information and get so defensive and angry about what has been revealed, that they will discharge themselves. Although this does not happen often, it does occasionally. Sometimes, the individual will focus on the minor detail that they say is incorrect, while forgetting to acknowledge the 90% plus that they admit is true. However, most often, it brings them to earth with a bump, reveals the extent of their coverup until that point and is the true beginning of their recovery from their addiction. They finally have to acknowledge the true extent of their addiction and how it is affecting them, their life and the lives of the people they love.
The family has contributed to their treatment with bravery. Now they too will reap the rewards of taking that bold step in giving us the information when the person they used to know and love is returned to them.