I quickly became pregnant again and this time ensured I did not drink. Allowed myself up to 4 glasses of wine each week (never more than one on any day). I did not like being pregnant though I was never unwell. In hindsight I think I didn’t like it because it curtailed my drinking. Used my willpower to keep the drinking down until the baby was born. Then, however, even though I breastfed, I hit the bottle hard during my maternity leave. It was controlled drinking – I was never drunk but drank a fair few each lunchtime and evening.
Over the next ten years I had three more children (and two more miscarriages which I have to own could have been drinking related as in the first few weeks I did not know I was pregnant and drank). I drank a lot between pregnancies but stopped while pregnant and drank while on maternity leave. My drinking remained controlled most of the time (at around 2 bottles of wine a day) but I would often let myself down on a Saturday night out when I went over my self-imposed ‘quota’.
Drank and Drank…No Good Reason To Stop…
After 2001 there were no more children and therefore no good reason to stop the drinking. I was still very successful in my work, continuing to climb up the ladder on to the board of the company I worked for. I had 4 young children. Worked hard, looked after my children and drank too much (not necessarily in that order). My husband was probably slightly neglected and we grew apart. In 2004 he decided that there had to be more to life and he moved out.
My drinking escalated. I had always set myself high targets and I was competitive, wanting to be the best at everything I did. My marriage had failed and I felt terrible. The only way I knew how to deal with the emotional pain was to drink. I would wake up in the night and not be able to sleep. Now there was no one I was disturbing or who could stop me having a drink in the night, so I did – every night at about 4am. I began to shake in the mornings so found the only way to stop it was to have a gin and tonic for breakfast. I had broken all my own rules and began to struggle through every day, only being able to cope if I kept the alcohol levels topped up.
Admit I had a Drink Problem
A year after my husband left I had to admit I had a drinking problem. I was even having panic attacks by now when I drove on motorways – I now recognise this was because I did not drink and drive and it was withdrawal symptoms. I went into a lovely private clinic for a detox. (In hindsight it was lovely but useless for someone with a drink problem).
A detox itself was never going to sort me out. I came out knowing I needed to stop drinking but 3 months later I had a drink – which inevitably lead to another and another. There began a further 4 years of stopping drinking but not being able to stay stopped, as I was an alcoholic. This miracle of total abstinence remained out of reach until I finally threw in the towel when I went into a proper rehab clinic for a complete alcohol addiction treatment programme.
If you have an alcohol or drug related problem, please call 01462 851414 for free and confidential advice and help.
