There are certain ‘big ticket items’ that have improved immeasurably since I got into recovery. Many of these will be identifiable by other recovering alcoholics, that can identify with fears.
Fears
First, although outwardly a confident person, I was actually quite fearful by the end of my drinking and my fears have now generally gone. In the early days of my drinking, the alcohol gave me confidence. I was able to have a difficult conversation, make a challenging phone call, stand up and speak at a public event. Or or even just to socialise at a dinner or party. By the end of my drinking, the alcohol no longer worked. I would get the shakes standing up at any public event whether or not I had had a drink. Unable to drive on motorways without panicking.
My social confidence was zero with or without a drink. I could not really do anything without a drink . Even get on a tube, train or plane – and even with a drink I could not face this in the end. My fears were worse in the middle of the night when I would wake with my heart racing and being unable to relax or sleep.
Now I face what needs to be faced calmly. That is not to say I am fearless – but I believe that if I do the right thing things will be all right. And by and large they are.
Resentment
The second item I have learned to deal with differently is resentment. Most the time we want to blame someone or something for things that are not exactly as we would like them. But more often than not, we had a part to play in the situation and the other person or institution is totally unaware of how we are seething about what has happened. So who is the loser here – the resented person who is going about their life unaware of the situation or the person (ourself) seething with resentment? How is our resentment helping us? We need to see our part and let it go. Resentment is one of the biggest causes for relapse so it is vital that it is dealt with on a daily basis.
Another big issue linked to resentment is anger and this too can easily lead to relapse. We can feel angry over silly little things (someone taking a parking space for example) or over something which we can justify more easily (a partner cheating on us, for example). Anger can be linked to fear of the future. Being alone etc in the latter example – and it is also linked to lack of control. We can only control ourselves, we are powerless over other people, places and things .
I find remembering this helps me to accept certain situations. Again it helps to own our part in the situation but then we have to let go, for our own sanity. It is hugely freeing if we can let go and just do the right thing – in the firm belief that if we do that the right thing will happen. What goes around comes around.