Even in hindsight, it is hard to identify exactly when my alcoholism started to become a problem. I know I had to hide it to some extent even early on in my 20s, 20 years before I finally got into recovery. My weekly shopping always included a few bottles of wine and a bottle of sherry. Even then, the supplies would not be sufficient for the week. If I was on my own for any period in the evening, I would drink a little more than usual while there was no one there to monitor how much I was having. And if I knew I would be on my own overnight, this meant a whole evening at home relaxing and drinking as much as I wanted to. Bliss!
My drinking was not always at home on my own – not then, anyway. I was still the good time girl who was sociable and quite lively after a few drinks. Occasionally that led me into unreliable behaviour – saying I would be home at a certain time and not getting there, or planning to do something and deciding to stay on in the pub rather than leave early and do what was originally planned. Still, this was not a major problem.
Drinking Got Out of Control
What was more of a problem – certainly in my mind – was when my drinking got out of control and I spoke my mind a little too freely, or divulged certain information I shouldn’t. Occasionally my actions were cause for regret – flirting a little too much, falling over, and yes, driving home when I really shouldn’t. I can remember being pushed back from the pub to the office in a supermarket trolley on more than one occasion – it was a laugh but I do not think it was very dignified, but it sums up the situation in the early days quite nicely – game for a laugh, a good time girl but being a little on the edge in terms of appropriate behaviour.
In these days, I did suffer from the odd hangover. I occasionally felt nauseous and was sick, and the following day I could certainly feel the physical effects, as my body had not built up the tolerance it later did, when I was hitting it with large quantities every day and effectively just topping up levels.
Alcoholism Drink before Going Out
I think the situation turned in my mid 30s. I began to have a drink or two before going out. This led to my becoming drunk before others at parties and dinner parties. With all the behaviours that went with that – slightly glazed eyes, a more outrageous style of dancing, and saying things I regretted. Occasionally I would even have bruises and I could not recall how they could have got there.
On one occasion I even had a big cut in my head and when I woke up in the morning the pillow was heavily stained with blood – a mystery as to the cause. And of course there were the lapses in memory – the blackouts – when I could not remember the full events of the evening and had to try and piece things together from what people told me (while pretending that I had not forgotten things). It was hard work.
Was the Situation Redeemable? Alcoholism
Was the situation redeemable even at this stage? Could I have stopped the final slide into alcoholism if I had cut down? I really don’t know but I think probably not. Alcohol had become such an important part of my life. While I continued to function well in all other aspects I don’t think there was sufficient motivation to recognise the problem.
My career was going very well (throughout these years I was promoted several times and ended up on the board of a multi million company). I had my lovely children – eventually 4 of them – I had a lovely home, a good husband, lots of friends etc. You name it. I seemed to have it and to the outside world I had it all. But my alcoholism was going to lead me to a very different place and to put me in danger of losing it all.
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