The road to alcoholism
There are two things that really stick in my mind from when I was in alcohol addiction treatment at The Haynes Clinic. The first was when of the therapists said to me “I didn’t get sober to be miserable.” That really made me think as I had only been in treatment for 9 days and had not long completed my alcohol detox. I was struggling with the daily routine of addiction treatment therapy and having to face the unthinkable. I really did not want to face the fact that at 28 years old I was being asked to admit that I was an alcoholic. I was struggling with the concept of not drinking again, with the mental approach to this being just take it “one day at a time.”
How was I going to manage my future life and have fun with my friends and family? Anything from a BBQ to a boys night out to Christmas and holidays were going to be a nightmare without having a drink. But that one comment set me thinking and, in reality, I could not remember the last time I had actually enjoyed a drink without it becoming totally messy. Indeed there had also been several occasions recently that I had found out after the party that I had not been given an invite, as others found my behaviour erratic and unacceptable and I was often ruining rather than adding anything to the occasion.
I do remember, though, that the first drink I had gave me confidence. The alcohol made a difference and I liked what it did to me. I felt I was drinking the same as everyone else of my age and I wasn’t worried as, being young, I thought that I could cut back at any time I wanted to. It certainly never crossed my mind that my drinking would lead to an alcohol dependency or alcohol addiction. After all, even though I found I was slowly drinking more to get the same effect, I was not drinking in the morning or drinking spirits and life at my age was for living .
The only real problem I had with my social life was with relationships: I could never seem to maintain a loving or long term relationship and there would always seem to be a point with everyone when my drinking would cause arguments and the relationship would end. Then it was like on to the next one which started off well and would then again self-destruct. In analysing this process in therapy at The Haynes Clinic, it was picked up that at the start of every new relationship I would try and cut back my drinking but as the relationship progressed so did my old erratic behaviour and mood swings because I was slowly resuming an increase in my daily alcohol consumption.
This behaviour also led to conflict with my family who could see the link between my drinking and failed relationships but their advice to me to cut back would always cause a row. I would usually argue with them that I was only young and every one I knew was drinking the same as me. However, if I am honest, this was only true because by now I was mixing solely with people that did drink the same as me. I had left some of my old friends behind because they did not drink as much and they were starting to make me feel uncomfortable and judged. I had taken to going round to a “new friend’s” house for a drink before going to a pub or club as it was cheaper than bar prices.
I knew at this stage it was more difficult to keep a track of my daily consumption but, although I was drinking on a more regular basis, I certainly was not drinking in the morning, which I thought was a true sign of being an alcoholic. That said, I had noticed that I was struggling to get going in the mornings and there was starting to be a noticeable shaking of my hands which took a while to clear. I was getting home and crashing out and so many more times I found myself waking up on the sofa wondering where I was and feeling very rough. My work was also beginning to suffer as, during the day, I felt exhausted and found it difficult to concentrate on any task – but I always seemed to get a second wind to go out again at night.
Denial
So I suppose alcohol was becoming a bit of a problem in my life. Looking back, another issue was my denying the extent of it. I did not want to accept that I had a problem. After all, it was just liquid in a bottle but I had, over a relatively short period of time, become dependent upon it and my life was starting to spiral out of control.
One night my drinking changed my life in a split second when I made the terrible decision to drive my car to a friend’s house. I was stopped for speeding and breathalysed. Fortunately no one was injured by my actions. This was the catalyst that prompted my family to make me take a serious look at my life and the fact that I needed to make changes. By now I had feelings of guilt, remorse and shame.
Finding an appropriate addiction treatment centre
To find an appropriate residential addictions rehab or detox clinic is like a mine field. There is no directory or place to go for rehab unit comparable information. It was extremely fortunate that someone in the family knew someone who had been to The Haynes Clinic and it was decided that I should be admitted there as soon as possible for the recommended 28 days.
Preventing a relapse
The second thing that struck me was when another therapist said to me “ in 20 years of helping people, I have never met anyone who has left treatment and then come back and said what an amazing relapse they had.” I knew I wanted to find a happy life free from alcohol and I knew that however much I struggled to find that in the early days of going back home, having another drink was not going to be the answer. I needed to make changes to my thinking and then to turn it into changes to my behaviour.
Certainly, it was the right choice to go into alcohol addiction treatment for 28 days and this enabled me to have a medicated detox from alcohol, to break the addictive cycle and to get an understanding of a 12 Step programme. By attending AA support groups whilst in treatment with other group members, it gave me the knowledge to find similar AA groups near my home address when I left treatment. The further support of once a week aftercare at the Clinic was vital for me to discuss any issues with the therapists who I had come to trust and respect. They had all gone through a similar process to me and aftercare was offered free for 12 months.
My advice to anyone would be that the first 6 months can be difficult as none of us like change. We certainly don’t like to think that something such as alcohol has beaten us but if we continue with the process, it will work . I also found that there are far more people choosing not to drink alcohol these days and certainly my stopping was more of a well done than poor you. There is now more of an understanding of addiction with the younger generation and the therapist was right – I didn’t get sober to be miserable and I am happy with sobriety. I will take his word about a relapse as I have no intention of going there and trying it!