When we were active in our addiction, life was one long struggle. We woke up in the morning with the knowledge that yet another day had to be got through before we could try and seek oblivion in some sort of sleep again. We got up knowing we needed a drink or drug as soon as possible. Whether we had reached the point of having to drink or use to function or whether we were still in the habit of clinging on for dear life until it was a specific time. At which we allowed ourselves to think it was all right to start indulging our addiction.
Many times we had to try and piece together the day before, to think at what time we had crashed out and what we had done before that. Had we offended anyone? Could we remember everything that had happened? Had we got through the day without causing mayhem and upset or were we totally in the doghouse again?
Survival
By the end of my drinking, by the time I woke up, it often felt that I had only just got off to sleep as invariably I had been awake during the night with my head whirring round like a washing machine and a sense of panic as to how my life had spiralled out of control. I would drag myself out of bed to try and survive another day. Survival was the name of the game. I was not living, I was existing and my existence was pretty miserable at that.
Progressive Illness
First things first – at this stage in the progression of my illness, the first thing I needed when I got up was a drink to get me to some feeling of normality. I would try and have my first drink before the family woke up. A gin and tonic alongside my cup of tea as I fed the goldfish and fed the cats. That was the first task of the day completed. Then the dog had to be walked, packed lunches prepared and children off to school. This would merit another drink. Then I had to get off to work. I would take a drink with me and sometimes stop en route and drink it.
Bottle of Wine for Lunch
Somehow I would do a morning’s work but lunchtime was time for another drink. If I had found someone to share in my liquid lunch I would often by this stage need to have a drink before I met them so I could lift the glass without getting the shakes. I would probably get through a bottle of wine at lunchtime. In the pub or at my desk or both (if at my desk, it would be in a mug, with a pile of papers conveniently covering the top of the mug). I might stop in the car on my way home to have another drink. when I got home several more would follow until I fell asleep only to wake up in the night with my head whirring…. and so to start another day.
Pattern of Life Survival
This was the pattern of my life on and off for a few years before I finally admitted I needed help. I had long known that I was drinking alcoholically but kept thinking I could deal with it on my own. I was strong willed and intelligent and had been able to achieve so much with these two aspects of my character. In the end it was too much for me and my life was so miserable I was ready to accept some help to get out of the deep rut. Which on some days felt more like a black hole that I was in.
An addiction treatment centre was the only answer for survival.
The Haynes Clinic is an alcohol, gambling and drug rehab clinic which offers detox and counselling for people with addictions. It follows the Twelve Step Programme of recovery.
Call 01462 851414 for free and confidential advice.