When we get into addiction recovery we have to accept that the only person we can change is ourselves. If we work our programme, we change immeasurably and of course in changing, we affect our relationships with other people. In most cases this will be for the better as we become less selfish and much more engaged with the outside world, though inevitably some changed relationships will result in the parting of the ways.
Our partners.
Some of us lose our partners before getting into recovery. Not surprisingly, some of them will not tolerate our behaviour when drinking and decide to opt out. We push them away and in some cases they simply fall out of us love with us over a sustained period of time. Those of us who are sufficiently lucky to have held on to our partner may well find that we have a renewed and much more fulfilling relationship.
In some cases, though, our partners do not like the ‘new changed’ person that recovery has produced or it is simply too late, the damage has been done. Our drinking in some cases will have allowed them to control us and they have thrived on our guilt and shame. In some cases our partners may drink rather too much themselves and they cannot be with this new sober person who can now see how damaging their drinking is. So recovery can sometimes bring the end of a long relationship.
Whatever the case with your relationship, and the difficulties you have to face, there are two things to bear in mind: what doesn’t beat you makes you stronger – and there is nothing that will be helped by a drink. If you end up on your own do not jump straight into another relationship. It is not advised to have a new relationship in the first year of recovery. Take time getting to know yourself and focusing on your recovery.
Our children
Looking back on our drinking days, many of us are ashamed of how we affected our children. We might have been irritable with them – or worse, displayed aggressive tendencies; might have embarrassed them by being out of control or outrageous when drunk; we might not have had enough time for them as the bottle came first; we were probably emotionally absent much of the time; might have put them physically at risk by driving when drunk or hungover, or by passing out when responsible for their welfare. The way I affected my children is something I cannot change and I will always regret.
However the good news is that I am now a better mother than I ever was – even before the drinking got serious. I am broader minded, more compassionate, more fun (while never out of control!) and in fact, I am generally considered to be quite a cool mum. My children are very proud of me and what I have achieved. My life is a living amend to them and I have a fantastic relationship with each and every one of the four of them.
That is what my recovery has given my children and me and it really has the wow factor.