Many addicts and alcoholics have long associated sex with their drug of choice – be it alcohol or drugs. From an early age they met people through the fog of drink or drugs, relaxed through the fog of drink or drugs and needed dutch courage given to them by alcohol or drugs. As we became more and more addicted, it was probably a rare occasion if ever that we had sex clean and sober. For some, they could only ‘perform’ with a drink or drug inside them; others struggled to perform – or stay awake – due to the drink or drugs. Nonetheless the addictive substance became a regular bedfellow with us.
Sober Sex Can be Scary
Therefore, for many people in recovery from addiction the thought of having sex clean and sober is quite a scary one. We no longer have the escape with fuzzy feelings. Many of us are considerably older than we were since we last had clean and sober sex and have the added concern that our naked bodies have aged – will we still be attractive to our partner? Will we be any good? If we are fortunate enough to have held on to our long term partner, it is probably some time since we have been properly intimate in a loving and caring situation so it may feel like going back to first principles and early times.
No New Relationship in the First Year
It is not recommended that anyone in addiction recovery starts on a new relationship in the first year so if you have followed this advice and are with a new partner, your recovery should be of at least a year’s duration. However, this brings with it another factor – that you may not have had sex for some considerable time which might mean that when the event happens it is over rather quickly (especially if you are a man) – or if you get too tense about it, it might be a bit of a non-event. Take it easy and relax – difficult, I know, if you always used to use drink or drugs to aid the process. Don’t rush the relationship.
A kiss or a cuddle is fine to start with and if you are going to spend the night together then talk about just cuddling and not having any pressure to complete the act. Spend time together and see if you actually like each other – a stage that far too many people leave out! If you are going to be good together, waiting a while will not be the end of the world.
Communication
Ultimately it is all about communication, relaxing and being comfortable in your own skin and with your partner and that can take a lot of time. There is nothing wrong with going back to being ‘inexperienced’ and trying new things. Many people discover a much more exciting sex life in early recovery because we can really feel our feelings and physical sensations. You are never too old to give new things a try – and a good sex life with the right person can be a very rewarding part of recovery.