My youngest daughter shared a riddle with me on Sunday. ‘Question: what is it that someone can have and they really want to share it but, if shared, they don’t have it any more? Answer: a secret’.
Some secrets need to be kept on behalf of others – but perhaps it is better to term these ‘confidences’. Of course there are also the type of secrets that are good things to keep – a special surprise for someone or a planned gift. However, the sort of secrets that make us ill are the sort that should not be kept. If we keep things to ourselves, such as something we have done that we know we should not have done, these things have a habit of festering and growing if kept in the dark.
Share our Secrets
We are encouraged to share in recovery meetings as this is one way to free us of anything we need to be free of that may hamper our recovery. We are also encouraged to be open with our sponsor and to share everything honestly. Should feel able to divulge those thoughts, character defects and actions to our sponsor that we can share with no other person. We should work through our step 4 and 5 with our sponsor – sharing our thorough and fearless moral inventory with another human being. Should continue to take a daily inventory and share it with our sponsor – or at least with some fellow human being, as an inventory written but not shared does not entirely set us free.
Denial
Sometimes it is difficult to identify what should be shared as we are in denial. However, the damage caused by not exploring our true feelings and sharing these can be astronomical. When my husband left me, I was absolutely desperate to save face. To appear together and controlled and not anywhere near as devastated as I was. The weekend after he left, I went away for a long planned weekend with some other ‘mums’ from our village toBath. On the surface I had a good time. We danced – yes, corny as it was I danced to ‘I will survive’ – and part of me believed it. They all commented on how strong and together I was. For the next 9 months I soldiered on with a smile on my face.
Churning Up Internally
Inside I was churning up, I was bitterly unhappy and I drank more and more. I bravely carried on with my daily life, going to work, talking to no one about how I really felt – not even acknowledging it to myself. Found it harder and harder to hold it all together, I lost my appetite and got increasingly anxious and stressed. I told no one but deadened the pain with the only substance I knew would do the trick – alcohol.
The day came when I could no longer face my daily life and I had to take time off work for ‘stress’. I saw a psychiatrist and told her what I wanted her to hear. I gave up drinking (temporarily) and so was patched together for another three year. When eventually I went into rehab and learned at last to acknowledge and share my pain. Only then with my ‘secrets’ out could I start to heal and be happy again.
Only As Sick As Our Secrets
So the rather hackneyed phrase ‘we are only as sick as our secrets’ has a real truth and one that, in recovery, we are wise to bear in mind.