“We can control how we react”
Being in the wrong is not just about the obvious things – such as cheating or lying. Being in the wrong can be the way we react to others or to situations. If someone hurts us, we become angry and vindictive. We need to deal with it because that is about us. We cannot control other people but we can control how we react.
This is a very hard thing for me. My partner cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend and I had to end the relationship. He then went back to her – I still love him despite this. He says he still loves me – and I do believe I will love him for the rest of my life as it is not something you can switch off. I also still love my ex-husband with whom I have four wonderful children. I no longer love him as a lover but as a life long friend and someone very special in my life.
However, at times I am really angry with my ex-partner and I want to hurt him. I won’t because I love him! But on occasions I still feel the pain deeply and this can easily turn into a rage.
Recovery from addiction requires us to accept failures on our part as well as controlling how we react to pain caused by others.
“I had a part in the situation”
I had a part in this situation. He did the cheating but he did it because I did not have enough time for him, could not commit to living with him in the near future and did not always treat him as well as I should have done.
Things could have been different if I had behaved differently. But we are where we are and I have learned from this. I will be stronger as a result of it. The reason for this situation will become clear to me one day. I believe that. And in the meantime, even if I have been done an injustice, I must not hold a resentment as that will harm me further.
I want and need peace, so must let it go.
Trying to reach perfection
Another issue I have always had is not wanting to be seen to be in the wrong because I cultivated this image of the strong and ‘perfect’ woman. This was actually a big factor in my drinking – a need to be a high achiever and seeking perfection. I learned in addiction rehabilitation treatment how damaging such a goal was, not just for myself but for those around me who could never hope to get to where I was putting myself. I put them under pressure and gave them an inferiority complex! So in coming down off my pedestal, it not only gave me freedom but meant I became human to them too. I can now see that for my children, having a superficially ‘perfect’ mother would have meant they felt they had to follow in my footsteps. What a burden to put on them.
Now I can be honest and share my failings with others – and in doing so, enable them to admit to their shortcomings and to ask for help.
The Haynes Clinic is an alcohol, gambling and drug rehab clinic which offers detox and counselling for people with addictions. It follows the Twelve Step Programme of recovery.
Call 01462 851 414 for free and confidential advice.