I spent years of living a life of being emotionally entangled with pretty much everyone. Sincerely and genuinely believing that simply meant that I was a loving, caring and giving individual. To then being told by my sponsor in recovery that I needed to learn to live a life of me being responsible for me and allow others to be responsible for themselves – achieving freedom from emotional entanglement. It seemed intellectually simple but emotionally an almost impossible task. I found not only how damaging this had been to my mental health and wellbeing but also to my relationships with others.
Controlling behaviour
It resulted in me trying to control everyone and everything: other’s thoughts, behaviours, attitudes and all for self-serving reasons. I become enmeshed in other people’s lives. And this ultimately leads to me avoiding myself, focusing on others and ignoring my own needs. I’d find myself plotting out about where my partner is and what they were thinking. Worrying about how my children were feeling and planning out their lives on their behalf in my head. It is suffocating behaviour for them, screams of insecurity in myself and adds to that crippling fear at the core of this. That I am terrified of being alone so somehow entangling myself emotionally would counteract it. This is not healthy behaviour, it is exhausting for everyone, stressful and anxiety building.
Coming into recovery from alcohol addiction, I felt exposed and emotionally vulnerable. And as a result found myself in a new relationship and doing the same thing. It was a pattern and that pattern needed to break because it was causing me more pain and I was starting to feel the suffering for the first time; deeply. Not only did I not ‘like’ the feeling of being ‘needy’ as it sparked feelings of co-dependency and dependency on others. But as I was learning and becoming increasingly self- aware, noticed the negative impact it had on my relationships. With those closest to me in particular; my children, my partner, my parents, my sibling.
Small steps to change
So, at first I started to ask for help from people that knew more about this than me. Read spiritual literature, work the steps and then The Traditions in Relationships (stemming from the Traditions in the Big Book), I started to make progress. Firstly, that all important message given to me by my sponsor that ‘I am responsible for me, they are responsible for them’. So, what did that really look like? It meant accepting people for who they are. Learning what belongs to me and what belongs to them. Allowing people to solve their own problems, make their own mistakes and be who they are and that went for me too.
For example, it was very powerful for me to look at how I was powerless over what other people thought, think of me, think in total! It all sounds obvious but the more I reflected on it the more I saw that I believed I could be in control. I could change what they were thinking and how they were behaving. And the learning curve that I controlled and manipulated people.
Learning through letting go
This is where my ‘bad intentions disguised as good ones’ really became apparent to me. I was a people pleaser, I’d manipulate and control through kindness. I’d defend and attack when something hurt me or didn’t go my way and ultimately it was becoming exhausting and such a waste of time. As it describes in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, this is an example of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. If I am powerless over other people, emotionally or otherwise, then I’m only hurting myself and others by trying to force me on them.
This work on breaking away from being emotionally entangled is a journey. It is still work in progress. But being open, willing, engaging with a sponsor and taking action has helped, but I do need help with this. Today I know that a dependence on any other human being will not keep me sober. Today I depend on a Power that is Greater than me. A God of my understanding. With that power in my life my dependence on others has naturally subsided over time. I’ve learnt through experience, listening to others and making my own mistakes in order to learn and grow.
Living a life where you are responsible for you is an essential part of recovery from any addiction.