The family is a vital part of getting an alcoholic or addict to both accept help and to stay well. While the family allow the drinker to continue drinking or the drug user to continue using without serious consequences, then the behaviour will continue. You are enabling their alcoholism / addiction.
Personal experience
As someone in recovery myself, I do remember my family getting upset, disappointed and even angry when I continued to drink. Despite telling everyone that I had stopped. I was even removed from the family home (temporarily) when I became too much for them. But it was only temporary and I was always given another chance. My brother threatened to disown me (but didn’t). And I was able to continue my stop start roller coaster of drinking.
My husband did eventually leave me but that gave me more freedom to drink. It took a lot to get me to accept help. My children went to stay with their father in his new home. I was sent home from work, that was a big issue for me because work defined me. And finally I was so miserable and without defences that a small nudge from my family who had lined up a rehab for me was sufficient for me to agree to give it a try. Though I did not expect it to work. And here I am now sober for over 12 years.
How the family can help the alcoholic
So what can the family do? First do not pay for anything for the addict or alcoholic. Certainly not for their drink or drugs. Do not provide any funding for anything that will enable them to continue their behaviour. You may have to stop paying bills for them etc. Which they have received and been unable to pay due to their drinking / using. They have to be on their knees sometimes to accept help. If you are going to put in place consequences if they continue drinking / using, then make sure that these are consequences that you will carry through.
Once they are in rehabilitation treatment, provide any background and information to the clinic that is helpful to the treatment process. Be brutally honest in the impact their behaviour has had on the family. They need to realise this in order to understand the devastating impact they have had. On the family and the people they love and to not want to go back to that. Accept that the counsellors are the experts in knowing how to get your loved one well. It can sometimes feel as if they are being challenged too hard. But it is necessary to get them to change and this sometimes involves being quite severe with them. This is what tough love in a treatment centre can be like.
Recovery comes first
Finally once they are out of treatment, be aware that their recovery has to come first. This means putting attending 12 step fellowship meetings at the heart of their activities – sometimes even putting them before other important family events and needs. Only by putting their recovery first will they stay well – and from that a fulfilled and happy family life will flow.
If you need some free support with dealing with an addict or alcoholic, try Al-Anon, a 12 Step Fellowship support group for families of alcoholics and addicts. The Haynes Clinic also offers a family recovery programme which provides counselling for those relatives of those who have attended the clinic and who still need support.