What are the best ways of supporting your child whose drinking or using is out of control? First, it may be the case that you think they have a problem but they do not think this. This is the first issue you face. What makes you think they have a problem? Do they seem to drink too much on a regular basis? It could be that this is just a phase they are going through. Are they thriving in their studies? Are they holding down a job? Do they generally seem happy in themselves? Do they have a number of days each week when they are not drinking? Can they stop? You will know they have a problem when, once they start, they cannot stop. Either going off on a binge for a period of time, or drinking every day and being unable to break the habit.
Supporting your child by having a conversation and voicing concerns
As for drug ‘abuse’, as a parent who may not have been exposed to the drug culture in the same way that many young people are now, it may shock you to discover that your ‘child’ is using recreational drugs. These are illegal and there is no justification for using them. However, it is worth noting that most young people these days will be offered drugs. And will even experience some peer pressure to use them. This in itself does not mean that they will develop a problem with them. It is when they use copious amounts of drugs that there is a problem. And, as with alcohol, when once they start using they cannot stop.
Of course, it is not just the amount of drink or drugs that your child is using that may be concerning you. But the associated bad behaviour. Are they becoming unreliable? Or are they defensive, rude, angry, and getting aggressive, even abusive with family members? Are their normal standards of self care such as diet and hygiene standards suffering? If they are drinking too much or using drugs to the extent that they cannot stop and / or are no longer behaving as they should then it is probably time to intervene.
The first step is to explain to them your concern and to request that they cut down or stop of their own accord. If they do not have a problem with their drinking / drug use, then they should be able to do this. They may not want to but they should be able to do it to allay your concerns.
Setting house rules
If they do not, then it may be that there is little you can do about it until they come to their own conclusions. And either cut down or stop of their own accord or get to a point of acknowledging that they need help to stop.
If they are still living under your roof, then you have options. You do not have to put up with the poor behaviour. In your home you should be able to dictate the rules you expect your child to live by. So, if you do not want them to drink or do drugs under your roof, then say so. If you want them to keep their room tidy and respect your space, then say so. And if they are rude or aggressive, you do not have to put up with it.
Confrontation and ultimatums can work
Ultimately you can ask them to stop or leave the home. Better still you give them a chance of leaving or of going to an alcohol or drug rehab to stop and get well. Before confronting them with the fact that you are no longer prepared to tolerate their behaviour under your roof, have an option of rehab lined up and ready (if it can be afforded. If not, the only option is to ask them to leave the family home). Asking your much loved ‘child’ to leave will be one of the hardest things you ever have to do in your life. There is a risk attached to it as it may be that they will carry on drinking and using and end up living on the streets – or worse, not living.
But ultimately there is no choice as, if you continue to tolerate the behaviour, it will continue. We call this enabling the drinking and drug use to continue because you are prepared to put up with it. And that also is extremely risky – for the addicted ‘child’ who is risking their physical and mental health; for the family in terms of the anxiety and emotional upheaval caused – and for you, the parent who loves their son or daughter, and whose own health is affected by witnessing the addiction.
Learn more about addictive drug taking and addictive alcohol consumption.