Many of us grew up knowing there were certain expectations placed upon us and many of us tried to comply and be the person we were expected to be. I tried to demonstrate my worth by doing well academically – because it was the thing I was most talented at. From there, I embarked on trying to be successful in my career as that also gave me a sense of self-worth. In my home life, as a child, I tried to do as expected in terms of pulling my weight. As an adult I tried to run an efficient and loving home. All this was trying to measure up to some ideal, it wasn’t necessarily me.
Accepted as we are
In recovery, we are accepted as we are. We are expected to be the people we were meant to be and our value to others is in being ourselves. That means accepting ourselves as we are and not trying to be some idealised form of ourselves. Our behaviour needs to be in line with our beliefs. Once we stop trying to hide from ourselves, to accept who we are, and to behave accordingly, we can be free to work on our defects to become who we truly want to be and are meant to be. We need to learn to both like and love ourselves to get on with our lives.
We all have special gifts to share with others. By sharing these and our experiences honestly with others, we can help them in their journey of recovery.
We also need to be aware that we make our own experience in life. We cannot control other people, places or things but we can control how we react to them. Can choose to see a half full or half empty glass. Can choose to mourn the past – or to learn from it and rejoice in it and move on in our lives. Birds sing again after a storm – we can too.
Our Lives in Our Power
Everything about ourselves and our lives is in our power. We can be fearful and nervous of the future – or excited by the unknown and what can unfold. Life will do to us only what we allow it to. We can respond to any situation as we choose – and our outlook and attitude will determine the outcome.
Here is a personal story which I believe demonstrates this. My husband left me because of my attitude and behaviour which was affected by drinking. I was devastated. My first thought was that he would regret it – how could he leave me? But I had to think what was important in all the mess. The thing that was most important to me was that my children should be affected as little as possible. So I did not share my anger and upset with their father with them. I wanted them to retain a good relationship with him so I talked him up and encouraged them to see him.
Regret – No
He never did get round to regretting leaving me. But by acting as if I forgave him and cultivating a positive separation, with time those faked feelings became real.
We do not have to pretend to be friendly now. We are – and we still love one another as caring individuals who share a past spanning many years which produced 4 beautiful children. He is remarrying soon and I can sincerely wish him happiness. Me? I look forward to any relationships and any future partnership that might be coming my way in my exciting unknown future.
The Haynes Clinic is a rehab clinic which offers detox and counselling for people with addictions.
Call 01462 851414 for free and confidential advice.
