The reading today in Daily Reflections is taken from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous about relations with our children.
The alcoholic may find it hard to re-establish friendly relations with his children…. In time they will see he is a new man and in their own way they will let him know it….. From that point on, progress will be rapid. Marvellous results often follow such a reunion
I have personal experience of this one – the pain when the relationship with the children breaks down due to alcoholism and the amazing relationships re-established in sobriety.
Painful Memories
Starting with the difficult bit, the painful memories… The biggest regret I have about my alcoholism is the pain I put through which I put the people I loved, especially my children. At the time, I could not understand why they got so upset with my drinking. I still shopped, cooked, washed their clothes, did their packed lunches. Still provided in that I went to work and looked presentable.
I was an amiable drunk – or so I thought. Did not get aggressive or violent and still loved them. In hindsight, I can see that I was not emotionally present. At times it was obvious that I had been drinking and this was an embarrassment – the glazed look, the slightly unsteady walk, being over-talkative etc. Also, I now realise I was often more interested in having a drink than spending time with my children. I resented having to give lifts as it curtailed it. I was probably a bit tetchy at times if I wanted a drink and could not have one but as far as I was concerned they were over-reacting as I was not harming them.
Affecting my Children Severely
However, I was affecting them very severely. I was unreliable and as people got increasingly frustrated with me, they decided I was not good enough company to take out. Recently I found this sad little note in my 9 year old daughter’s old diary (she had thrown it out).
Sunday 23rd June: I’m sad. Everybody’s sad. I woke up at daddy’s because mummy hadn’t been too well. And in the morning she was still not well so she didn’t come to ….. and now I feel like we’ve betrayed her. Oh help me, my life is going bad….
It was to be another year of misery for my children before I got the help I needed. Now things could not be more different. As a result of the pain I went through, and the discoveries I made about myself in rehab., I am now a better mother than I would have been if I had not been through active alcoholism. My children are so proud of me for what I have achieved and who I am . My oldest daughter wrote me an e-mail when she was travelling round the world saying just that, and it brought tears to my eye. Now when I have fun and a laugh, it is as someone in control not out of control – so I am fun and not an embarrassment.
Big Book of AA
The reading from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is correct in that this new improved relationship does not just come with putting down the drink. Actions speak louder than words and the trust has to be earned. But my children could see the change in me as soon as I came out of rehab. I have proved that I have changed to them. They now even trust me around alcohol. How amazing is that when only four years ago they would have poured any alcohol in the house (that they could find) down the sink.
The Haynes Clinic is an alcohol, gambling and drug rehab clinic which offers detox and counselling for people with addictions.
Call 01462 851414 for free and confidential advice.
