My dysfunctional and neglectful childhood
I was born in a village in South West England. I was the youngest of 3 children and my mum and dad divorced when I was 6 years old. I lived with my mum and older brothers. My mum worked at the local pub and we were left to our own devices. We used to go round to my grandparents but they were old and housebound and although they may have loved us, their contribution to our wellbeing was giving us money for fish and chips.
Our home with our mum was really neglected and in a disgraceful state – dirty, untidy, full of rubbish and the only sustenance I can remember being there was in the form of milk – and my memory is of old bottles of milk smelling sour. My only memories of spending any quality time with my mum at this time was when she took me to the pub and I sat outside with crisps and a coke.
In the meantime my dad remarried and had more children. I have some memories of going to visit him (and him trying to clean me up because I suppose I was grubby) but I do know I felt an outsider and thought he loved his new family much more than me.
My mum then got a boyfriend and had my baby sister. Again I was pushed out but at least my mum was at home and looking after me. Around this time one of my brothers went to college and the other used to take me out stealing with him.
I did not really engage with school. I was either in trouble or running away. My mum and her boyfriend were big drinkers and eventually they split up. We moved to a guest house which mainly took in ex prisoners and there was a lot of drinking and drugs going on.
My early experience of drinking and drug taking
Inevitably there came a day when I tried the drink that was often left around. The first time I got very drunk and was sick. After that, I did not drink much for a while. I made a good friend and liked being at his home more than my own. He then moved away with his family and my mum hooked up with yet another man who was a drinker and I started drinking regularly with him.
By now I was 18 and working as a mechanic. My mum’s boyfriend introduced me to weed and from this I moved on to amphetamines. I thought life was amazing. I was up to no good, using, dealing, stealing, joining a gang. I thought I was invincible – despite being in and out of prison.
My damaged relationships
In my late 20s I met a girl I really liked and decided I wanted to change but that didn’t work out as she cheated on me. However, meeting her got me away from my old stomping ground and I met someone else. We had a family and settled down. Life was good. I worked and provided for my family and my partner stayed at home looking after the kids. We lived a good life without drink or drugs affecting me for a number of years.
Then I made a big mistake. I took my family to live closer to my mum. She was still drinking heavily and all my old using friends popped out of the woodwork. I started to deal drugs again and using regularly. I thought I was OK and even though now I can see how selfish I was, at the time I thought life was still good. My relationship started to deteriorate but I could not understand why my wife kept nagging me – as far as I was concerned I was still giving her money for the family and I was having a good time.
Eventually I was busted by the police and ended up in prison. My wife moved back to where we first met and when I was released I went back to her and tried to live a clean life. However there was always a big hole in me – I always felt not quite good enough, that everyone was against me and I often felt ANGRY. I got into crime again and was sent to prison again, this time for robbery with violence.
My broken family
My wife at this point left me and moved away where I could not find her. While I was in prison she met someone else. She was the love of my life and I cannot believe I was so stupid as to lose her and my children. I hardly ever communicate with them these days and it is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I was so stupid to let my drink and drug addiction lead me to where they had such a disastrous effect on my life.
Anyway, my life carried on and I then met another woman. We got married while I was still in prison and she has been good to me. We have worked hard and had a comfortable life but I have still been obsessed with having a good old session every now and again. This started with drinking then led back to drugs again. My drinking tends to lead to violence and my wife and I have fought and physically hurt each other (and also done a lot of damage to our relationship).
I have not been good. I have cheated and lied and made promises to stop drinking and using that I could not keep. I have given her control of the finances then stolen to get the drink and drugs I want and need. We now live in the same house separately and have grown apart. We have separate bedrooms. The relationship is over. The drinking has stopped but I am now using heroin.
The end of the road
I hate drinking and using drugs. I hate heroin. I am desperate to stop but just cannot. I am not living, I am just existing. I am a shell of what I can be. I am depressed and sad and sometimes dying seems more attractive than living. That said, I don’t really want to die.
So here I am at The Haynes Clinic, a drug addiction clinic and alcohol rehab. I am here for a heroin detox – and so far the subutex detox has not been nearly as bad as I feared. I want to get some self respect and hope back – to feel that I can live a good life without drink and drugs. And I understand that there is a programme – the 12 Step Programme – that will help me to achieve all this. I also want to get some love and respect back from my current wife. Who knows, maybe one day I will build a relationship and be there as a father for my children, even if I have not been a good one in recent years. I hope it is never too late.
Hope
There are other people here at the Haynes Clinic with me. We all have different stories but we are all damaged by our drinking and addiction to drugs and we all hope to get well and have a happier life in the future. I am optimistic that this can be the case.