I never considered myself a drug addict although I had used alcohol and drugs for nearly 30 years continuously. I did believe, especially in my teens, I could stop smoking weed, taking pills or dropping acid and bombing speed, whenever I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore and it was true because I did. But whenever I put one drug down I would just pick up another and swap it. I never allowed myself to think I was deliberately trying to change the way I felt, however, that was exactly what I was doing. I always told myself and others I was a recreational user and it would never become a problem because I wouldn’t allow it too.
In my early twenties, after my son was born, I was introduced to cocaine and that’s when my world started slipping through my fingers. Nothing else really mattered once I started sniffing coke and quite quickly it got out of control – I got out of control. Quite clearly, although in complete denial, I was losing grip on reality and my morals and ethics went out of the window.
A Drug Addict – Things got worse and worse
Things just got worse and worse and by the age of 27, I had discovered crack, so once again, I gave up sniffing coke and preceded my journey with a new found drug. I absolutely loved smoking crack and thought I’d found my answer, my solution to what was missing in my life. It gave me a kind of numbness to all the pain, loneliness, emptiness, anguish and despair I was silently suffering and trying not to let it all spill out. It did work for a short while and provided me with a I don’t care attitude along with a desperate need and urgency to get more, more and more, which resulted in dire consequences. I had my longest ever love affair with crack, spanning over 14 years. I was utterly devoted to it and would never – could never – give it up, yet, it became my worst nightmare and stole everything from me including my soul.
Drugs Robbed my Son of a Mother
I robbed my son for years of a mother he should have had and deserved to have. He was about 6 or 7 when I started using crack and by the time, he was 8 years old, I ended up abandoning him and leaving him for his father to bring up. It didn’t matter that it broke my heart not being there for him like a loving mother ought, and at times I desperately wished it was different but I just couldn’t stop doing what I was doing and in the end my son turned 21 before I finally sought help. I had caused so much chaos and havoc in my wake, lost family and friends due to my behaviours, jobs because of steeling and the list goes on.
My parents had years of stress, worry and sleepless nights because of me. My life was pretty worthless, and I ended up having a mental breakdown. I could find no way out of this deep dark hole I’d managed to dig for myself. My family had tried to help me throughout the years although they never really knew how, and I just saw it as them interfering and getting on my nerves. But then one day, something happened, something inside me changed and I knew at this point, I couldn’t do this anymore, I needed help! I was 41 and my life was a disaster and had nothing but debt, guilt and shame to show for it, of which I had created of course, but now I wanted out.
Rehab – Admitting I was an Addict
My dad, a couple of weeks previously, had suggested me going into rehab, for which I replied I sure didn’t need that. As it turns out, I did decide to go to rehab and it has been the best decision I have ever made. I am so thankful and eternally grateful for all the love, support and understanding that I received. I learned so much and was shown a new way of life and now I’m living that life which I thought was utterly impossible. My whole way of thinking and being has changed because I work a Twelve Step Program. I am now the woman I’d always longed to be. I no longer need or want to use drink and drugs to change the way I feel. I no longer steal, cheat, lie, cause chaos and havoc. I am the proud daughter my parents have longed for, I am the best mother my son could ever ask for, I am the best version of myself and am a very grateful person indeed.
Morals and Ethics
Today, my morals and ethics are good, I have boundaries and respect for myself and others and I can look in the mirror and like what I see. I now know I am an addict and believe I was born with this disease and I know I will always be an addict but I have a choice now whether I use again or not and if I want to continue having this new way of life that I am very much enjoying, I must choose not to pick up another drink or drug again, no matter what.
I am truly blessed
I cannot imagine ever going back to that hell hole of a life I barely existed and yet I am only ever one drink or drug away from that reality. Being in recovery it’s more than saved my life, it’s given me a life. Today, I am a recovering addict, for which I am truly for which I am truly blessed.
Please call the Haynes Clinic on 01462 851414 for free confidential advice today.
