Living with an alcoholic – a person who is in the midst of their alcoholism is far from easy. This will be a personal account from my own experience of living with an alcoholic step-parent.
Addiction is a family illness
I have found one of the hardest things to accept living with an alcoholic, is the Jekyll and Hyde persona. Distinguishing between the family member you are familiar with. Who when sober is loving, compassionate and caring in contrast to when drinking – irritable, restless and discontent with everything
Living with an alcoholic step-parent has been a struggle for all in the family. And I can really see why addiction is addressed often as a family illness. It is not confined directly to the individual. Often my sister and I would watch my mum and stepdad bicker. And as he would drink more throughout the day/night he would become more provocative, passionate and aggressive with his arguments. To the point where they didn’t even make sense. But attention was demanded none the less. At times it would be left at that, a drunken argument or annoyance. But there have been several times this behaviour has escalated to the point where the situation had become dangerous and police had to be called.
Unpredictable behaviour
I remember one time my stepdad was sitting in the living room with my mum. T.V. on and three bottles of red wine down seeming quite jolly. I can’t recall exactly what it was my stepdad was saying in his state but I remember his constantly talking about nonsense. Basically with no let-up – I could see my mum being patient and trying to not react for the sake of her own well-being. But I could see her looking drained of all energy.
Without indicating any negative mood or saying anything about what he was planning to do he grabbed his washbag down the side of the sofa and pulled out a very sharp knife. Before he could even attempt to hurt himself, my mum caught on to what he was doing and leaped across the living room and wrestled with my stepdad to take the knife with him. I don’t know how my mum managed to get the knife away from him considering my mum is tiny and they contrast in stature.
The panic was almost overwhelming. I was not only worried about my stepdad harming himself but also my mum. I knew how drunk my stepdad was. And that he’s stronger than my mum, so my first instinct was to rush in and help.
Worrying is a common occurrence
In the sheer panic I did not realise the danger we had all put ourselves in. I could’ve got hurt. My mum could’ve been hurt too. But thank god that wasn’t the case, this time…
I also came home from school a few times to find my bedroom door had been kicked off its hinges and left on my bedroom floor.
My sister – who was probably only 16 at the time – and I were so scared for my mum and sick and tired of the abusive behaviour that we intervened and ended up trying to drag my stepdad ( a heavy set 6ft2 man) out the door. Obviously with no luck. I’m almost sure this was the same day that things escalated to him hitting my mum and me calling the police.
Following all the madness and my stepdad taken into custody I remember having a very serious conversation with my mum about how things couldn’t carry on the way they were. Because it was becoming unbearable for us all to live there and be safe. I begged my mum to press charges because I felt I was at my breaking point. I felt hopeless and lost and fearful for the future, not just for me but for my family.
She didn’t press charges. She asked him to leave. (something I had heard 100 times at this point)
He came home the next day.
The power of counselling
Due to living with an alcoholic and having some education already in the addiction field I thought it healthy to seek some counselling. To be able to process these sorts of occurrences that seemed to be happening more frequently. It was through these sessions that I realised that the above behaviour I was witnessing was not normal nor healthy. My counselling sessions offered me a sense of control when I felt before I had none. Throughout countless sessions we would delve into my resentments and my fears. And more importantly how to keep a healthy distance when needed and how to keep myself safe.
Living with an alcoholic not only affected my relationship with my stepdad (the alcoholic) but also my mum. Who I now believe has her own issues with co-dependency. And my younger sister who struggles with her own mental health problems. I found oddly enough that my resentments about my stepdads drinking would end up being directed at my mum. I constantly blamed her for making me and my sister put up with my stepdads drinking. Even though I would say I love my stepdad. I think I viewed him as a victim to his illness. And viewed my mum as an enabler which greatly strained our relationship over the years.
Living with the consequences
As a family we had made several attempts to intervene my stepdads drinking and explained we could find him some help as we were increasingly concerned about his poor physical and mental health, his violent outbursts when drunk and the safety of everyone living under the same roof.
Fast forward to now my stepdad still lives at home with my mum and heavily drinks. Neither my sister nor I live there any longer we moved out at the first opportunity we had. I have thought that maybe we did this unconsciously due to not wanting to be in our family home because of all the chaos that we witnessed over the years.
Living with an alcoholic is hard. But life is full or trials and tribulations and its about how we overcome these and educate ourselves and use that learning to help others that makes a difference.
In England, there are an estimated 586,780 dependent drinkers, of whom 82% are not accessing treatment. This statistic makes me sad but also reminds me I am not alone. Me and my family are not alone.
There are loads of people out there going through or have gone through similar situations and there are numerous charities and organisations to support people living with alcoholics or addicts. Al-anon, CODA and Ala-teen are just some to name a few. If you find yourself looking for some help or just something or someone to relate to and have found yourself here please seek further help.