Addiction and Co-Dependency

The connection between addiction and co-dependency

Codependent relationships are extremely common among people with addiction problems or people with an alcohol or drug dependency.  So, what is a codependent relationship associated with addiction?  It manifests through one partner taking care of the other which in turns enables the continuing of the partner’s addictive behaviour. This will seriously delay the time they need to get help and their life will have worsened because of it.  Therefore the partner with the addiction sinks lower into their addiction, whilst the enabling partner will forgo all their own needs and social life in order to care for the other.  It is a very dysfunctional and unhealthy  relationship where the giver keeps on giving often at great mental cost to themselves. So, in a nutshell, it is a one sided unhealthy relationship focused on their partner’s needs to the detriment of their own needs. 

What is a co-dependent relationship?

In a codependent relationship one partner will generally be struggling with one or more of the following

• An addiction or dependency to alcohol or drugs
• A gambling disorder
• An eating disorder
• A mental illness such as Depression
• Suffering from physical health due to their specific chemical dependency
• Past issues of trauma and abuse.

An example of an unbalanced codependent relationship is when, for example, an individual with an alcohol addiction or dependency will have their partner try to  help them overcome their addiction by showing them affection rather than challenging their behaviour, even going to the extremes of giving them money to purchase alcohol and spending time in cleaning up after them in an over caring capacity. This behaviour will enable them with their addiction by helping them with their denial of the real destructive situation instead of encouraging them to seek professional help for their dependency.

Another co dependant relationship can be formed between one parent and their adolescent aged or older son or daughter. In this scenario, a parent needs to feel needed in order to feel valuable. This often leads to a lot of rescuing, making excuses for their behaviour and wanting to make decisions for the child. An example of this would be for one of the parents attending an addiction assessment at an addictions rehab and deciding that their son or daughter’s situation is not that bad, when clearly it is, and suggesting that residential rehab is not for them and we can “work the problem out at home.” They want to take on the caring role when they are not able to do so but feel it is what their child would want. 

Identifying signs of co dependency

The following are typical indicators of co dependency:

• You describe only your partner’s good qualities, even remembering them from a time before they changed due to their addiction.  They are put on a pedestal and you fail or choose to ignore the flaws that they obviously have and which are having an impact on both their lives.
• You enable your partner by lying to other people about their addiction and making excuses for their progressively worsening behaviour. There is no challenging of the partner’s behaviour and this simply prevents them from realising the changes that are happening which are clearly identifiable by others.
• You feel guilt when not meeting your partner’s needs or wants. You see it as your job to fix all of your partner’s problems. Feelings of guilt will arise when you take time out to focus on yourself or anything outside of the relationship.
• You start to exhibit controlling behaviour, believing that controlling the other person will lead you both to happiness. You fail to realise that the only person that you can control is yourself.
• You take on too much responsibility and create stress by cleaning up after your partner. You might remove empty bottles, get them to have a bath or wash their clothes. You might end up paying their portion of the household bills if they have lost their job. This cleaning up after anyone with an addiction is simply enabling them with their addiction
• You may become preoccupied with the other person’s feelings and thoughts and obsess over how to fix their problems. Your mood will reflect their mood since you have started to disregard your own emotions and it becomes “I’m OK if you are OK.”
• Rather than run the risk of an argument, you will agree with what your partner says even if you feel it is wrong. You avoid any conflict with and upsetting your significant other.
• You ignore your partner’s abusive or bullying behaviour and you will defend them when their behaviour is talked about by others.  You will choose to blame yourself when the effects of the addiction lead to increasing harmful behaviour towards yourself.
• You isolate within the relationship and stop attending social events due to your partner not wanting to go or a decline in their behaviour. This makes it impossible for you to make more excuses for them so you find it better to remain in the house.

Co dependency can be healed

The good news is that Co dependency is not classified as a mental illness: it is learned maladaptive behaviour. The first step is being honest with yourself and acknowledging its existence. Also listen to others’ concerns who will see your relationship with your partner differently from how you would see it yourself. Recommendations are to:

• Get professional help from others through counselling and therapy which can be for both parties in the relationship. This can lead to the start of a change in behaviour – the therapist points out the co dependant tendencies that both are not aware of and suggests a course of action to start to remedy the situation. Allowing the partner with the addiction also to get professional help by being admitted to a recognised residential addictions rehab unit or detox clinic specializing in the treatment of addictions for up to 28 days is another positive step.
• Attend a 12 Step support group called Co Dependants anonymous. There will be a local meeting close to your home address which can be found by inputting your postcode into their website . These support groups have been set up to help people who want to break free of their co dependant behavioural patterns.
• Take breaks from your partner and reinstate relationships with friends and family. It is good to meet a friend for a coffee or lunch and creates a more healthy relationship environment.
• Accept the partner in the relationship without trying to fix or change them. It takes a lot of personal work and time for a codependent person to not take things personally but to make progress there needs to be an acceptance of the partner for who they are.

Co dependency is a condition that can be changed to a healthy relationship for both.  There just needs to be a realisation for the need for change and a willingness to then implement that change.