Are you in an unhealthy relationship? Are you worried that your relationship is making you unhappy? Do you feel unable to break free from a relationship? If any of these apply to you, it is possible that you are co dependent.
Co dependency used to be a term applied only to the partners of alcoholics. However it soon became apparent that the characteristics of co dependents were shared by many more in the population than just the partners of alcoholics or addicts of any kind. It is now well known that people from dysfunctional families and/ or who have / had an ill parent tended to become co dependent. If untreated the condition can become worse, but if people get the help they need then the symptoms can be reversed.
So what are the symptoms of co dependency?
Co dependents are usually ‘people pleasers’. They find it hard to say ‘no’ to people and hardly ever put their wants and needs first. They tend to feel they have no choice and would feel anxious and depressed if they were sufficiently brave to say ‘no’ to someone when they feel the answer should have been ‘yes’. They also tend to be care takers – needing to be needed, wanting to fix others and giving up their needs in order to take care of others.
Co dependents usually have low self-esteem. They do not feel good about themselves, think others are better (better looking, more confident, more successful, more fulfilled) and are only happy when things around them are ‘perfect’.
Co dependency and poor boundaries.
Boundaries are an imaginery line which divide what is ours from what is someone else’s. Boundaries apply to our physical selves – our bodies, possessions and finances, for example – and to our emotions – our feelings, thoughts and needs. Those with poor boundaries tend to feel responsible for other people’s feelings and blame themselves if someone is angry or down or not feeling good in any way. However, they will often blame others if they themselves are not feeling good.
In contrast, some co dependents have very firm boundaries. These same people may switch between too rigid and very weak boundaries depending on how they are feeling at the time.
Co dependents can over react to comments and situations.
This is in part due to their poor boundaries but can also be due to their desire for things to be perfect. So if we hear a comment that we do not agree with or we think is a reflection on ourselves then we can be defensive and feel angry or threatened. In reality someone else’s opinion is just that and nothing to do with us.
Co dependents can be too dependent on others despite the fact that they are more than capable of functioning on their own. They are afraid to be on their own – of being abandoned – and if they are on their own they will tend to seek a new relationship as being on their own leaves them feeling lonely and inadequate.
Co dependents can find it difficult to be intimate.
This does not necessarily apply to sex (though it can) but to being emotionally close to someone and opening up. This can be due to a fear of being judged and abandoned – or due to a need to preserve independence. This can lead to partners feeling that they are not being given enough time and emotions – complaining that the co dependent is unavailable both in terms of having enough time for them and emotionally unavailable.
Co dependency and control.
This can manifest itself as being bossy. They can also be manipulative and can therefore develop addiction to counteract this – for example, drinking can help them to relax if they are keeping things under tight control. Being addicted to work helps people avoid their feelings, lose themselves in their work and keep things under control in a more stable environment.
Co dependents do not always like to say what they think in case it offends someone or makes the other person not like them. As people pleasers they can say they are happy with something or go along with something they really do not want to or agree with. When it transpires that is not really what they think or want it can lead to confusion and frustration.
Co dependents can develop obsessions about people or relationships.
They worry about what others are thinking and doing and why. They obsess about making mistakes.
Codependent people are often in denial about their co dependency, blaming others for all their feelings of co-dependency. The other person is the problem, never them. Some also deny their vulnerability and need for love.
These feelings can lead to anger, resentment, helplessness, hopelessness and despair.
Help is available for co dependency including the self help group Co Dependents Anonymous.
Please call the Haynes Clinic on 01462 851414
