Read On…
Growing up as a child with an alcoholic parent was difficult and I was full of fear. My mother was an alcoholic from when I was very young. This made me feel very different as a child from other children around me. School was really difficult when I was growing up because of the fear of my mother either failing to pick me up or turning up at the school drunk or me getting home to find her drunk on the floor or being aggressive towards me or even hurting me physically.
As my mother’s illness got worse and I got older, I tried harder to stop her from drinking. I would come home from school and find her passed out in bed and I would throw away the bottles she had hidden as I couldn’t understand why she didn’t stop drinking and why she didn’t want anything to do with me. I just wanted my mum back. The drink was more important than me. Birthdays and Christmas time were even worse. They were supposed to be happy times but they weren’t for me as my mother would normally be drunk.
Trying to Stop her…
I kept trying to stop her and help her and as a result my schooling suffered. I wasn’t focused in class and became disruptive and more and more angry as my home life got worse. Fights with my mother increased as I couldn’t control my anger because I felt so rejected and alone. I couldn’t tell anyone outside the family what was going on at home. I didn’t see my friends outside of school because I couldn’t invite them round because of fear of them seeing my mother passed out or being abusive to them or me. It got so bad I ended up not wanting to be around my mother and at the age of 17 I moved away as I couldn’t deal with her any more.
It was then I turned to drugs myself as this numbed the pain and anger I felt towards my mother. At the age of 21 I saw my mother for the last time. She had taken her last drink at the age of 50. My Mother was admitted to hospital and in intensive care with internal bleeding. She died that day 4hrs later in front of me and I couldn’t tell her how much I loved her. She was gone out of my life forever and I hadn’t spent the time I wanted with her. I was abandoned again like I was as a child.
I Couldn’t Deal with the Pain
My drug taking increased as I couldn’t deal with the pain of loosing my mother. I continued to use drugs till the age of 25 and eventually I found help in a treatment centre (the Haynes Clinic). I’m now over a year clean and I understand the disease that both I and my mother had and how much suffering and pain my mother went through on a daily basis and why she couldn’t stop.
Today I feel at peace with her as I understand it wasn’t her fault. She was powerless over her alcoholism and the only person that could stop it was her – but it was too late for her and she didn’t get the help she needed so desperately.
I only wish that she could have had the opportunity that I had and seen a new way to live without drink or drugs.
Call the Haynes Clinic on 01462 851414
