Step nine of Alcoholics Anonymous – Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
This is the step in which we take action. We take responsibility for our past behaviour. If we completed this step in isolation, some of us would have a problem because we think the only person we harmed is ourselves. However, our steps four and eight should have identified a good number of people we have harmed and to whom we owe an amends.
The feeling of fear and uncertainty
Many people approach step nine with a sense of fear and uncertainty as we do not know how others will react. We will be more willing to make amends to some people than to others. It does not matter about the order in which we make the amends – only that we are complete and thorough and make them all. Some people prefer to start with the ones they are more comfortable with – others prefer to get the more difficult ones out of the way first.
Making amends
The amends need to be direct. That means we need to meet the people to whom we need to make amends whenever possible. Do not to be tempted to do it by e-mail, text or on facebook if it is possible to meet. Also the amends need to be proportionate and to match the harm done. So if we have stolen or owe money, we should pay it back. There is no point in saying sorry if we do not accompany that apology with a change of behaviour such that we do not repeat the harm done again.
Even if we believe that the person did us some harm, we will usually have had some part in it. We need to own this. It can also help in these situations if we try to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and try and understand why they might have acted as they did.
We can never be sure how someone will accept the amends we make. This could be pleasantly surprising or disappointing. Doing our best is our step nine for us to clean up our side of the street. We are responsible for the effort not the outcome.
Causing more damage to the person we are making amends too.
Obviously we cannot make amends to someone who has died but in this instance we can usually think of something else, such as making a contribution to a charity they supported, making amends via their family – or even simply visiting their grave and perhaps placing flowers on it.
We also need to be aware of not being so thorough that in making our amends we cause more damage to the person we are making amends to. So, for example, if I have a relationship with someone who is officially with someone else, if I go to make amends to his current girlfriend, I am harming her by telling her of the affair. So I won’t do that.
If I can see an opportunity to make some indirect amends to her – perhaps by helping her materially in some discreet way of which she is unaware – that is more appropriate. Another example of a bad amends is if we are doing it just for ourselves for the sake of going through the ritual – but we don’t feel it. This to me is an empty pointless amends which can cause further resentment.
Relieving us of guilt, remorse, fear and shame
In the end, our step nine should relieve us of our guilt, remorse, fear and shame. It sets us on a new firm sober foundation from which we can go forward in life. Learn about our full range of rehab services for alcoholics.
The Haynes Clinic is an alcohol and drug rehab clinic which offers detox and counselling for people with addictions.
Call 01462 851414 for free and confidential advice.
