My name is Sandra and I have an eating disorder. This has really affected my mental health and the way I see myself.
It started with me feeling that I was fatter than my sister
I was a very happy and confident child up to the age of 9. I was always smiling, laughing and happy. I was the third child of 4 and though I knew I was loved, I felt ‘less than’ my brothers and sister. I thought my sister was prettier than me and, though my mum did not realise how much I took it to heart, she would make casual comments which really hurt me. I was quite a ‘sturdy’ child, I would never be a size 12, for example. I thought I had better do something about it so I vowed that I would get to be slimmer than my sister. I started to diet and I now see that I took my dieting way too far. I even affected my physical growth and became dangerously underweight. My periods stopped. Even so, I would look in the mirror and still see myself as being huge, fat and ugly – especially compared to my sister. I was so thin, my body started growing hair – I now know this was to keep it warm in the absence of any fat. Even in a hot house I could not keep warm.
I lost all self worth and avoided eating at all cost
Gradually I was stripped of all my confidence, all my self worth and will to care about anything. All I could focus on was my obsession with my weight and how I could get away with not eating anything. People were aware of my problem so would watch me eating (or not eating) and it became even more of a battle to try and get them off my case. I remember one time staying in a guest house with my mum and sister and going down to ‘breakfast’ early. I had a cup of tea and asked the waitress to tell my family that I had already had breakfast before they got up. I would try and remove food from my plate when I thought no one was looking. I would put it into a doggy bag (I bought dog poo bags for this!), stuff the bag in my handbag and dispose of it into a bin. If desperate I would even put it into my pockets (this involved planning what to wear quite carefully). Everything revolved around avoiding eating.
I exercised excessively
The other way I tried to avoid putting on weight was by excessively exercising. I would get up ridiculously early and ride a bike round and round the village for at least an hour to burn off as many calories as possible before going to school. I would obsessively run up and down the stairs if I was forced to stay in. I tried to convince everyone that exercise was healthy and good for me so long as I ate (but I didn’t).
I was locked in a battle of wills with my own brain. I was filled with self loathing, hatred and utter despair. I was so miserable I was fighting against myself every minute of the day.
Sometimes I would binge eat
Sometimes I would break my starvation but even then I could not eat normally. I would have a massive binge and eat lots of junk food and other unhealthy snacks for a day or so. I would then be flooded with shame and remorse and think how ugly I was. I would look at myself in the mirror and think how much weight I had put on. So then I would starve myself again to lose all the perceived weight I had put on. I could not see anything beyond my illness.
I cross addicted to alcohol
Eventually I turned to alcohol to get my sustenance and became an alcoholic but that is another story….