The Thirteenth Step
When I first heard the term ‘The Thirteenth Step’ I had no idea what it meant. It had to be explained to me that the thirteenth step is when someone in recovery preys on someone new and wants a sexual relationship. ‘Thirteenth Steppers’ make a habit of doing this. Looking out for newcomers at meetings, approaching them and offering the hand of friendship but in reality wanting something much more.
People who have been in recovery for some time should know better. So, if a member of the opposite sex comes up to you and you are new in recovery and they ask for your phone number or you out for a coffee. There is every chance that they are doing more than offering friendship, support or a shoulder to cry on. Do not be fooled.
Vulnerable
People in early recovery are often very vulnerable to attention from the opposite sex and are still often raw with all the emotions that are coming back after having dulled their feelings for so long. These ‘Thirteenth Steppers’ are not just an occupational hazard to be avoided, they can be positively dangerous. If they play with the emotions of a newcomer, this can lead to relapse. Relapse can lead on to a worsening addiction. A worsening addiction can eventually lead to death. If it does not lead to relapse, it can put someone off attending recovery meetings, thinking they are full of pariahs.
They will wait for you
If someone who has a strong recovery genuinely likes you, they will wait for you. I have heard of someone who waited a whole year to date a newcomer. He told her he was waiting for her recovery to be more solid and for her to have gone through the twelve step programme. They waited and have been married now for many years so a worthwhile wait. On the other hand, I know of many people who did not wait and it led to relapse and heartache. Unfortunately, I can think now of several people (men and women) whose behaviour around newcomers is questionable. There are firm guidelines around relationships in early recovery and that you should have a same sex sponsor as this person becomes particularly close to you. These guidelines are there for a reason and are to protect you as well as the other person.
No Relationships for a Year
I personally fell for someone in early recovery who had several years recovery behind him. He used his wisdom to try and put me off – telling me he was gay! I did not believe him but nonetheless had to recognise that he was not going to overstep the appropriate boundaries. We did get together in the end and had nearly 4 years officially together. We remain very good friends and there is still a lot of love between us. It was worth waiting for. Would it have worked if we got together sooner? I don’t know but I respect him deciding that we should wait. I am also pleased for him that he respected himself enough to look after his reputation.
