False justifications for continuing to drink
Many years ago, when I began to realise that I was alcohol dependent, I was very concerned that if I admitted this to anyone other than myself, that they would tell me I must stop drinking – for ever. I could not conceive of such a thing. I thought if I had to give up alcohol all together, my life would be very boring. How would I ever go out to dinner parties and enjoy myself if I could not have a glass of wine or two? What about work functions? How would I get through them without the oil of alcohol smoothing the way? How would I ever let my hair down and have fun?
Around this time, it was revealed that the then leader of the Lib Dems, Charles Kennedy, had an alcohol problem. As this news was highly relevant to my situation, I read as much about his situation as I could. I can remember reading one article that posed the question as to whether or not he could ever drink safely, latching on to the answer that there was a school of thought that some alcoholics could drink again after a period of time. This was music to my ears.
Ineffective Rehabilitation
Soon after this, I went into a private clinic that dealt with addiction and other mental health issues – stress, anxiety etc. I was referred there by my GP (on my private health insurance) because I was not coping with my life. I told the GP I was stressed and anxious, minimising my drinking. When I got to the clinic, I admitted that my stress and anxiety were probably caused by my drinking. I stayed there for a few weeks, having a medicated alcohol detox and generally re setting my mental wellbeing. It was a relaxing place with a swimming pool, coffee and orange juice on tap and all the daily newspapers available to read. All activity sessions were optional and I found myself being taught flower arranging – doing this for a one and only time in my life.
Short-term External Aid to Stop Drinking
I was under the care of a psychiatrist and she advised me to give up alcohol for the time being – say for a year. I was prescribed Antabuse (disulfiram) to stop me drinking and off I went back to my old life – except not drinking for now. I felt better, mentally positive, able to cope and wanting to embrace a more healthy life.
Antabuse works by making you very sick if it is combined with alcohol. I stayed sober for about 3 months. You need to take the Antabuse if it is to work – so if I wanted to drink, I would just not take it. The other reason I went back to drinking (apart from the fact that I had not actually gone through any sort of alcohol addiction rehab programme) was that I had been told that I could drink again in a year’s time. After a few months, I just decided not to wait that long.
A Viscous Circle of Short Term Abstinence
For me, this was the wrong advice. As soon as I started drinking, I could not stop again. And so began a period of about 3 years when I drank for a few weeks, became utterly miserable, would stop with sheer will power and then stay off it until the obsession with having a drink became too much and I started the whole cycle again. It was a horrible period. My drinking got worse and so did the consequences from it.
Long Term Rehabilitation and Abstinence
I eventually ended up in a proper alcohol addiction rehab clinic (no swimming pool, no newspapers, no flower arranging and no coffee and orange juice on tap).
Here I learnt to understand my addiction and how to be free from it. An important factor in my finally finding this freedom was that I learnt that life could be fun, full, enjoyable and that I could be happy not drinking at all. I let go of the thought of controlling my drinking and drinking socially. I had proved I could not do it – and anyway it was not worth the effort. Basically I surrendered to the fact that I could not drink again and in doing that I found freedom.
Today, I am over 16 years sober. Alcohol no longer has any power over me. I am never totally out of control as I used to be but I can ‘let my hair down’ and enjoy a good evening out. I don’t wake up full of guilt and remorse while still needing to plan my day around my need for alcohol.
Some people who drink heavily for a short period of their life – a time of grief for example – are not necessarily alcoholics (though they may become so if it continues for too long). If you do drink alcoholically where the need is both physical and psychological, it is almost certain that the only real option is to embrace total abstinence. It is not a life sentence – but more freedom from the life sentence you are living while still drinking.